15 Awesome Things Online That Have Absolutely Nothing to Do with Coronavirus 🙅♀️🦠
Every month at Studio Cult we dunk each other in the 55 gallon drum of illegal Soviet hand sanitizer we bought on the Dark Web. Once sufficiently slathered, we safely slither through the virus-infested back alleys of the internet, searching for Good Content and Dank Memes. We bookmark the highest quality pages on the World Wide Web to bring to you, our humble reader. (That is, after disinfecting it, of course.)
Since everyone has been spending a lot more time online this month, we've compiled an especially long list of time wasters and distractions. We guarantee that every post on this list has absolutely nothing to do with --pandemic name redacted--.
Welcome to our v i r t u a l - o a s i s. Sit back, get comfortable, and actively do not think about the potential apocalypse. 🤞
If you've ever spent an unsupervised hour in the computer lab, you've come across these mysterious glyphs. Despite them be loaded into every copy of Microsoft Word across the American Elementary school landscape, no one seemed to know what they were for. Internet, Explored favorite Vox explains the history of Wingdings, including its roots in printing, the conspiracy theories surrounding the font, and why it's called that in the first place.
Remember March 6? The birds were singing, people were frolicking in public without a care in the world, and my favorite weab Lil Uzi Vert had just released Eternal Atake. The long awaited project was chock full of of absolute bangers, no matter what Anthony Fantano says. If you needed any more proof that Baby Pluto is for the people, the track You Better Move samples latchkey kid favorite Space Cadet. Big ups to producer Brandon Finessin for baking a layer of 2000s pinball simulator nostalgia into this fire beat. And while you're here, you might as well watch this person reach a high score of 23 million.
Much like vinyl before them, classic click-wheel iPods have gained a cult following as purveyors of superior audio quality. The secret sauce is the Wolfson audio chip, which is considered by some to be the best music playback device ever. I think the fact that the iPod is now considered a piece of bonafide retro-tech proves that we're either living in a simulation or I'm just getting old.
I never knew that I needed to hear the Pirates of the Caribbean Theme played on 3 Electric Toothbrushes until I was already being serenaded by their dulcet tones. Device Orchestra programs electronic devices to play music. The talent seems to be evolving, gaining googly eyes, pipe cleaner arms, and even learning choreography. The entire channel is delightful, but something just hits different hearing the United States National Anthem played on 7 Credit Card Machines. (Stick through to the end for a patriotic surprise.)
This award winning point & click game has a simple premise: there is no game. Seems weird to be including it here, but at least it's free on Steam. Play it now so you're ready for the sequel coming this year, which is presumably also not a game.
Psst. Pssssst. Aye. Come 'ere. I got somethin' to show you. Don't tell nobody about this, kid. Promise? Okay, check it out: I gots the good shapes.
Trust me, this twitter thread is everything. It is the alpha and the omega. It is darkness and light. It could cure your chronic back pain, but it won't. It's soaring in the polls but it's going to drop out of the democratic primaries anyway. It is chaos. Read this, and your world view will forever be changed.
In uncertain times, it can be helpful to gain perspective on how truly insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. Alternately, you can use that newfound perspective to fuel an existential crisis and totally freak out. Just lean in.
The comedy writers at Botnik use their software "Voicebox" to remix familiar copy into new passages. It's like the predictive text on your phone, but instead of being trained on you, it's trained on Drake, Seinfeld and Buzzfeed Quizzes. The results are hilarious, uncanny versions of their source material. Their faux-chapter of Harry Potter and the Portrait of what Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash is a seminal classic of AI-assisted literature, and this year's Coachella lineup looks lit. They've made many of these keyboards available for free on their website, which is a great way to waste an hour - or six.
Here's a pancake recipe Voicebox helped me write. You'll need:
- 1 cup milk
- 2 cup confectioners sugar
- 1/4 teaspoon vanilla ice
- 1/2 teaspoon lemon flavor
- 1 teaspoon freshly squeezed heat
- Add flour to the egg whites and serve
- Melt the griddle until evenly browned
- Beat until dough is slightly thick
- Spray until well moistened for 15 minutes or until the steam stops coming
- Drizzle with non cinnamon mixture and sprinkle with cheese
Monthly Blessed Content:
This month you get two pieces of blessed content. I think we've all seen enough cursed content lately.
When will he??? When???!!!1
I had to dig deep into the recesses of my mind to extract this calcified gem of internet content. Seriously - this series started in 2007. Ah, to be a a naive internet surfer in ye olde two thousand and seven. Follow along with Donnie's Photoshop tutorials as he uncovers his wife's infidelity. It's an entertaining story that's (technically) informational!
You would have to be living under a virtual rock to avoid the Tiger King discourse taking place online. If you haven't seen it, you must, and if you have, DM me so we can talk about it. Lisa Frank broke the internet when they reposted this amazing art by Ariel Hart of everyone's favorite gay, mulleted, tiger-abusing convict on their official instagram. I hope they do OJ next.
I have a confession: I have been waiting to show you this channel for months. I watch it at night to fall asleep. This person has made knives out of jello, milk, pasta, wood, pearl, and underwear, and I have watched them make them all. What this person can do with a whetstone is beyond me. These videos are all at once calming, uncomfortable, sensual, precise, and wholesome. I cannot recommend Knife YouTube highly enough.
We hope this provided such much needed distraction from the current state of affairs. If you'd like to submit something for next month's Internet, Explored, join the Studio Cult Chatroom on Facebook.
~*written by Pia Marchetti*~