February Horoscope: The Signs as Rings
by Pia Marchetti
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With Valentine’s Day approaching, we thought we’d help you out by creating this zodiac-approved guide to selecting the best ring for your sweetie. If these don’t make them say I do, might we point you to our selection of rings instead?
♈ Aries - Ring Pop
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If there’s one mantra Aries lives by, it’s “I’m baby.” Catch them pairing a mock neck crop top and thrifted JNCO jeans with this candy ring made for children. If you inherit a necklace from your Aries great grandmother, it’s probably edible. |
♉ Taurus - Toe Ring
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What are toes, if not the fingers of the feet? And yet only Taurus is brave enough to embellish their lower digits. May we all take a sock from Taurus’ drawer and venture into new and interesting jewelry placements. |
♊ Gemini - Mood Ring
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You’re definitely getting your money’s worth sliding a mood ring onto Gemini’s finger. |
♋ Cancer - Promise Ring
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It’s not so much what Cancer is promising that’s important, but the way the ring reflects off of the tear of sincerity glimmering in their eye when they make that promise that screams cardinal water sign. |
♌ Leo - Class Ring
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Whether they were the quarterback of the football team, the star of the drama department, or the president of the anime club, Leo was undoubtedly the center of attention in their high school niche. Leo can’t help but be as eye-catching as the sparkly rock of their class ring. |
♍ Virgo - Purity Ring
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Look... it’s 2021; we don’t expect all Virgos to be literal virgins. But of all the signs, they’re the one wearing a purity ring, either earnestly as a public declaration of your private commitment or as an ironic statement about the public nature of the aforementioned privates. |
♎ Libra - Claddagh Ring
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The hands, heart, and crown on this Ye Olde Irish ring represent friendship, love, and loyalty - all the qualities Venus-ruled Libra is searching for. |
♏ Scorpio - The Ring (2002)
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Ring, The: This movie is tailored for a Scorpio audience: haunted video tapes, vengeful damp children, spooky wells, that actress from Mulholland Drive, and depressed prize-winning horses. |
♐ Sagittarius - Cluck Ring
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Silly Sagittarius loves this fun rooster ring! They love getting - Wait... did you think we meant…? With all due respect gentle reader, get your mind out of the gutter! |
♑ Capricorn - Signet Ring
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Capricorn is always signing documents and pressing wax seals and whatnot in their pursuit of stonks. A signet ring is a perfect symbol of their dedication to getting that bread. However, note the pink placement - an indication of the goofy side they only show their closest friends. |
♒ Aquarius - Milk Jug Pull Tab Ring
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Ever the contrarian, Aquarius wears this literal piece of garbage and demands it be taken seriously as jewelry. It’s probably part of their ongoing years-long performance art piece titled something like “Landfill Alchemy.” |
♓ Pisces - Birthstone Ring
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Perhaps because they’re the oldest and wisest, or maybe because they’re sensitive in a way that can only be comforted by a new age aphorisms, but Pisces is most likely to believe in this astrological pseudo-science. We bet the data shows that birthstone rings are disproportionately sold in amethyst and aquamarine. |
Written by Pia Marchetti~*