September Horoscope: The Signs as Compelling Trash

These items are ordinary, disposable, and boring, but we can’t stop thinking about them! There’s something special about these unspecial objects. Let us know if we got your unique brand of garbage right.

 

♈ Aries - Aluminum Can Pull Tab

PshhH-kKTUH! That’s the sound of an Aries releasing their carbonated rage into the atmosphere. According to Soda Can Physics Review, the aluminum pull tab is a bit of brilliant engineering that applies force in one direction. Sounds like an Aries to me. Also, did you ever play that game where you wiggle the tab back and forth to the alphabet to predict the initial of your future spouse? I hope Gary and Herb are nice guys, because the aluminum will always fail around 7-8 bends.

 

♉ Taurus - Milk Jug Pull Tab

Much like Taurus has matured beyond Aries’ childlike rage to a sophisticated scream, the milk pull tab is an evolution of the nubile aluminum can tab. This piece of lactose plastic can be stubborn to remove, however, the slo-o-ow peel sensation is an irresistible tactile experience. And once separated from its milky host, this pull tab doubles as an elegant modern ring. Trѐs leches chic!

 

♊ Gemini - Vending Machine Container

You never know if you’re going to get a disappointing puzzle, a jumping frog thing, or a horrible sticky hand. That is the joy of Gemini companionship.

 

♋ Cancer - Booger Glue

This is the Gucci of Glue; the Armani of Adhesive. Blessed is the day Target mails you a new store credit card. Manufacturers employ these industrial grade boogers for their uniquely passive aggressive properties: it’s peelable but still super clingy. Anyway my father is a Cancer and I’m doing fine, why do you ask?

 

♌ Leo - Bread Tag

The bread tag dominates the compelling trash conversation like Leo dominates every conversation they’ve ever been a part of. Much like Leo, it can’t help but be the center of attention, what with those fetching distal palps and charming oral groove. Although they could stand to share the spotlight with less naturally charismatic people and plastic, at the end of the day you can always count on Leo to stand by your side and the bread tag to secure your sourdough.

 

♍ Virgo - Hanger Sizer

This is the perfect piece of plastic for someone who has a lot of opinions about other people (she says, pointedly). Although these hanger sizers can be a bit prescriptive and clinical, sometimes Virgo’s strict system of organization is necessary. Bonus points if these are color coordinated!

 

♎ Libra - Single Serving Creamer

Libra’s eye for beauty is obvious in the classic Grecian aesthetics of this doric column of half-n-half. This is the crѐme de la cream. As Libra’s scales seek to maintain balance, so does this splash of milk harmonize a bitter cup of diner coffee. Eventually Libra must address the fallacy of this so-called single serving.

 

♏ Scorpio - Silica Packet

That this packet of spooky gelatin is packaged with both clothing and food is a Scorpio mystery in and of itself. Silica is a helpful preservative, yet poisonous if ingested. Need I say more?

 

♐ Sagittarius - Twisty Tie

If the bread tag is our dependable staple, the twisty tie is its flamboyant cousin. Much like Sagittarius thrives in new and interesting experiences, the twisty tie can be employed in a number of creative storage solutions. Use it to tie off your package of raisin bread, wrap up your computer charger, or shackle your new prisoner to the radiator.

 

♑ Capricorn - Pizza Saver

This practical solution to a pizza problem is also a delightful table for mice, dolls, and other tiny beings. This duality of pragmatism and quirkiness is Capricorn embodied. Do not take for granted the hard work Capricorn does! I recently ordered a pizza that came sans saver and the experience was devastating, to say the least.

 

♒ Aquarius - Babybel Cheese Wrapper

This coveted wax is a perfect metaphor for Aquarius’s maniacal need to be creative and unique. Sometimes an Aquarian project that’s intended to be an elaborate post-cheese sculpture ends as a performance art piece of the water bearer eating the Baybel whole, wax and all.

 

♓ Pisces - Bottle Cap

For Pisces, this serves the entirely functional purpose of bottling up various things: obscure knowledge, empathetic responses, and oceans and oceans of feelings. When Pisces decides to twist this sucker off and spill something out, be grateful for what they’ve shared with you.

 

Outro