January Horoscopes: The Signs as Windows 95 Icons

Something about that plug feels satisfying. Next to it is the largest battery I have ever seen. What an absolute unit.

Obviously this depiction of electricity is pure Aries. January is going to be fantastic for your career so plug in that computer and fire up Excel. It's time to CRUNCH SOME NUMBERS.

This icon is a whole vibe. I feel like if I sat down at this desk I would be PRODUCTIVE. Like I would finally be able to write my Microsoft Bob FanFic. Also, did anyone else notice that there's a file icon sitting on this desk? It brings a whole new meaning to the term "desktop."

Honestly, I can't imagine anyone other than a Taurus curating such an exquisite work environment. That must be why you're able to establish such a consistent routine. January will be good for your career, so take some time to consider how you're going to allocate writing space on the single piece of paper on your desk over the foreseeable future.

I'm not sure why these computers are connected via plumbing system, but I'm sure Bill Gates does. Also, anyone who knows me knows that I'm truly living for that sweet, sweet drop shadow.

Anyone following @notallgeminis could see that the twins are represented in these dual blue and teal Gateway 2000s. However, as a lifelong Gemini apologist, I hope I can provide a more nuanced interpretation of my air sign brethren. Gemini is ruled by Mercury (the planet of communication), and here we can clearly see that information is being sent through a series of tubes. For Gemini, January is going to be about supporting your friends and families, so ready your dankest memes for dissemination in the dm.

Fans of the (unreasonably turquoise) notebook icon will immediately recognize this as a rare view of the uncoiled Notebook™️. Considering the information at hand, we can only assume that all 7.5 lines of this wide-ruled notebook are being filled in on Taurus's aforementioned desk.

This is truly the only diary worthy of Cancer's most intimate thoughts and feelings. And boy, do you have feelings! This month you might have some health issues, so be sure to take care of your bren. Mental helth is important too!

It's fascinating how once an icon is established in a digital space, it becomes universally standardized. This illustration of a speaker cone is almost identical to our contemporary sound emoji. Semiotics, man. I love that you can see the sound emanating from it, just like you can practically see the charisma vibrating around a Leo. Also, you know, the sound.

This might be a good time to tell you to c a l m  d o w n! You don't always have to be the center of attention (pens the author to their own moon sign). That being said, from the 20th on you're going to have a particularly social month.

This gold standard of Windows imagery. A truly iconic icon. We loved it so much at Studio Cult that we made it into a handbag. It feels wholesome to use a PC knowing that the in-computer universe is sustainable. A Mac gives me no choice but to doom my deleted documents to a virtual dump, but Windows breaks down my Dat Boi .jpegs into 1s and 0s so it can be reformatted as .doc where I outline the history of frogs in memes. Virgo is as pure and innocent as Windows 95's recycling program is virtuous.

And of COURSE their Bin is empty. Virgo is the type of person to empty the recycle bin every time they throw something away. Sheesh. January is generally a good month for you. Take advantage of all this positive energy to petition for that digital compositing initiative you've been talking about.

Nothing has ever looked as appealing than this mouse icon. This pixel art smells like an elementary school computer lab. How I yearn to remove the trackball and feel it's satisfying weight in the palm of my hand... God, looking at my wireless Logitech makes me sick to my stomach now.

Libra is all about balance, and here the left-click and right-click buttons are your yin and yang. Your quest for beauty is contented by the golden ratio by which this perfect icon was wrought. This month is going to be difficult for you. Don't forget you can always navigate the pointer to Start Menu > Shutdown > Sleep if you need a break.

RIP floppy disk. Though you weren't floppy in our hands, you'll always be floppy in our hearts.

Scorpio holds secrets, but much like the floppy disk you wouldn't know it just by looking at their cold, shiny, plastic exterior. With the right software and enough time for their system to boot up, Scorpio will let you read their files. Also: something something something, insert floppy disk into hard drive, something something something, Scorpios are overly sexual. You're going to start this year off dealing with your family. Yikes.

Wow, these Windows 95 graphics are so dated. They still thought the Earth was round back then!

Sagittarius' wanderlust is so powerful they must explore all 1,024 pixels of the globe. Speaking mEtApHoRiCaLly, Sag also wants to expand all 1,024 pixels of their mind. This month is going to be super good for you. Try not to be weird about it.

Rounding off the desktop metaphor, we have a planner and clock. This is skeuomorphism at its finest. There's not much space to write anything down, but I guess that's not really the point.

Hard working Capricorn must wield these tools of time in order to schedule all their responsibilities. I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it. January is all about you. There's also going to be an eclipse on the 10th that will seriously affect you. Download one of those free virus scanners you keep seeing ads for when you illegally stream Hell's Kitchen.

No other icon in the Windows 95 library suggests the existence of 32-bit lore more than the Help Book. Something about that gold question mark offset on royal purple inspires me to seek whatever forbidden knowledge might be hidden within this sacred tome. Whatever's written must be fairly profound, considering that with this degree of pixelation, we're averaging about one letter per page.

Similarly, Aquarius is filled with obscure, arcane, yet ultimately useless knowledge. (Say, perhaps enough to write an article casting each astrological sign as a Windows 95 Icon?) January is going to be very spiritual for you, so I guess you should give in and finally start paying for that Sanctuary account.

Where did this tree come from?? I'm serious; nobody knows what was the intended use of this icon. And I did my research! I skimmed through one (1) Reddit thread! Apparently this Tree of Mystery was implemented by a few applications that, according to Reddit user z500, had "basically anything to do with trees, real or metaphorical."