January Horoscope: The Signs as Imagined Futures

Our highly trained team of clairvoyants spent hours laying in a bath of photon milk to divine each star sign as an imagined future. No matter what dis/utopia you get, if you’re reading this now, you’ll always be part of our Digital Utopia.

♈ Aries - Mad Max

A violent, post-apocalyptic desertscape populated by leather-clad criminals on weaponized vehicles. Under these extreme circumstances, Aries would certainly rise to the top.

♉ Taurus - Her

This warm-toned world sits in cozy opposition to sci-fi’s standard chilly blue atmosphere. Textural elements, abstract advertisements, and low-tech appearing, high-tech performing gadgets will make Taurus as snug as a virtual bug in a digital rug.

♊ Gemini - The Matrix

If you think Gemini is The Matrix because of something having to do with duality you’re dead wrong. What do you take me for, a fool who grasps at astrological stereotypes to compensate for a surface level understanding of the signs? Please. Gemini is just the most likely to wear those tiny sunglasses.

♋ Cancer - The Jetsons

Living in outer space with universal basic income sounds great, but what really soothes Cancer’s soul is the promise of a wholesome family dynamic.

♌ Leo - The Terminator

Courageous Leo will thrive (post-apocalyptically speaking) fighting an army of skull-crushing Skynet tanks in the overwhelmingly blue year of 2029. But it’s their loyalty that will drive them to fight a shiny, horrifying endoskeleton wrapped in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s flesh (and father their own best friend).

♍ Virgo - Minority Report

VWhen you look past the issues of morality, Minority Report is really just a movie about bureaucratic efficiency.

♎ Libra - Back to the Future Part II

Although now technically in the past, 1985’s version of 2015 is distinctly the future. Suffice to say, Libra would absolutely rock those self-lacing Nikes.

♏ Scorpio - Black Mirror

Black Mirror is Scorpio’s dystopian nightmare. Their fear isn’t just born from the dark potential of advanced technologies, but the sinister ways their fellow man might use technology against them. Bleak!

♐ Sagittarius - Star Trek

A spaceship on a mission “to boldly go where no man has gone before” is peak Sagittarius energy.

♑ Capricorn - Humani Victus Instrumenta (Instruments of Human Sustenance)

This cyborgic vision of the future was etched in the 1500s by an unknown Italian who medieval scholars theorize was absolutely zooted on grog in close proximity to some cooking implements. Capricorn would surely put this whimsical robot to practical culinary use.

♒ Aquarius - 2001: A Space Odyssey

A pretentious art film that depicts a reality somehow both utopian and off putting while inadvertently lending credence to the Lunar Landing conspiracy theory? What could be Aquarian about that?

♓ Pisces - Future (rapper)

Don’t let Future’s hustler persona fool you - Hndrxx is a deeply sensitive soul native to Pluto. Look no further for proof than his love of cheesecake.

Written by Pia Marchetti~*