Use the Internet and Astrology to Ask Out Your Crush
Do you hear it? Listen... off in the distance - it's the sound of a thousand smug couples kissing with tongue and a thousand bitter single people complaining about it. This ominous wet echo can only mean one thing: Valentine's Day is nigh.
According to some Youths I follow on Twitter, the winter/fall Cuffing Season culminates in Championship Game played on Valentine's Day. When God and the Hallmark Corporation scheduled the holiday for February 14, is this what they had in mind? Because it certainly feels intentional.
As the premier producer of vaporwave-adjacent, meme-oriented, comedic astrological content on the Studio Cult Blog, it is my responsibility to show you how to harness the power of The Stars for any given situation. That's why during this particularly amorous month, I've prepared a presentation on how to slide into the signs' dms, proverbially speaking. Despite what you may have learned from the pick up artist community, there is no universal cheat code for attracting a mate. There are twelve. I guarantee* that using the ancient wisdom of this occult bullshit, you'll be able to successfully ask your crush out on a first date, rekindle the flame with your long term partner, or find a sidepiece so you can cheat on said long term partner.
DISCLAIMER: In the great tradition of using "What's your sign?" as a pick up line, your first instinct might be to scroll down to your beloved's sun sign. However, astrology is (definitely real and) way more complicated than that. To get the results you want, you'll need to ascertain your crush's Venus sign. As the planet of 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒~*, Venus rules your affections, attractions, how you like to be romanced, and your aesthetic preferences. Basically, it's in charge of the uwus.
Naturally, you may be wondering how to surreptitiously acquire your beloved's chart, or worse, the birth date/time/and place information needed to generate one. If you're gay, I think that's actually a pre-req for a first date so you might as well get it out of the way now. However, if you're attempting to engage in a hetero union, simply put; I dunno bro.
Now that you're armed with your soon-to-be significant other's Venus sign, here's How to Use the Internet and Astrology to Ask Out Your Crush.
♈ Aries - Comment a Cryptic Emoji on Their Recent Selfie 🔮
Before I evolved into the charming new-age nutcase you see before you, I thought astrology was just for fun. One day I was casually browsing through my chart and nodding in vague agreement when I came upon a sentence that shook me to my core. The description of my Venus in Aries placement read, "Their style of expressing love can be maddeningly me-centered, but the right person for them will find this approach charming."
I'd been read to filth by my own chart! The library was officially open and every book was written by The Stars themselves. The shade of it all! When I stopped gagging, I vowed then and there to become the kind of person that lights candles and buys crystals.
All this is to say, if you want to court a Venus in Aries, let them court you. One way to get them to start crushing is to comment a cryptic emoji on their recent selfie. Any Venus in Aries worth their salt crystal lamp will spend hours puzzling over the implications of your Moon Viewing Ceremony Emoji underneath their "brunch with friends" post. Their competitive nature will see this as a challenge to win you over. Next thing you know, you've U-Hauled! (Hi Maggie.)
♉ Taurus - Postmate an Elaborate Dinner 🍱
Venus in Taurus is all about generating coze. This shit is sensual. Taurus is concerned with things relating to this earthy plane, which isn't to say that Taurus is materialistic, it's more that they have a discerning taste. They're the type of person to own Areaware's Goober Candles.
To plan a perfect first date with a Venus in Taurus, invite them over and Postmate an elaborate meal - probably something involving truffle oil. If you're going to get a bottle of wine, the house red will not cut it. Also, see if the driver will pick up some scented candles from Target so you can create a real sense of Ãmbíänçé.
♊ Gemini - Text Them a Bunch of Times Literally Right Now 📟
This communicative sign probably caught your eye slangin' dank memes in the group chat. Venus in Gemini requires constant variety and intellectual stimulation. This makes them fantastic flirts, but God only knows what their instagram explore page looks like. (Side note: has anyone else been seeing that video of a guy cooking a huge horrible octopus in a gourd, or is that just me and my explore page?)
If you're crushing on a Venus in Gemini, text them a bunch of times literally right now. They'll appreciate all your musings, memes, and bitmojis over text, but don't forget to hit up their twitter, rinsta, and fintsa as well. Since Venus in Gemini's definition of love is deeply rooted in friendship, it might take time to for your digital rapport to develop into a romance irl. In the meantime, do your thumb stretches and keep on texting.
♋ Cancer - Add a String of Emojis After Their Name in Your Phone 💕The best way I can describe Venus in Cancer is the way Drake sings "commitment" at 1:53 on Finesse. Like the mighty crab, Cancers' build up a hard shell to protect their tender center (which is coincidentally delicious with clarified butter). A Cancer wants to be as safe and secure in their relationship as a crab's soft meat is inside of its horrifying exoskeleton. When they do feel safe, they are devoted, caring partners who are ready to build a home with you out of mineralized chitin.
To earn Venus in Cancer's trust, add a string of emojis after their name in your phone. One moon face isn't going to cut it here. We're talking multiple emojis that are uniquely relevant to your relationship. Add ✨s and 💕s as liberally as you would season a crab with old bay. You may even want to add a tilde and asterisk at the end for the a e s t h e t i c.
♌ Leo - Delete Tinder from Your Phone 🙅
Venus in Leo's need for romantic attention is vast and insatiable as the internet's need for cat pics. They expect their lover to be completely devoted to them. In return they'll be loyal and proud, exhibiting their Big Lion Energy.
Winning Venus in Leo's heart requires a grand gesture. In the past, this might have meant making them the #1 friend in your Myspace Top 8. However, in this the year of our Lord two thousand and twenty, what could be more romantic than deleting Tinder from your phone? Spiritually, this means deleting Hinge, Bumble, Grindr, and FarmersOnly as well. If you really want take things to the next level, appeal to their flair for dramatics and add their name and a ring emoji to your Instagram bio.
♍ Virgo - Add Them to a Shared Google Calendar 📅Ever practical, Venus in Virgo will approach love and relationships pragmatically. I wouldn't put it past them to keep an iPhone note of all the requirements they have for a partner. Then again, who am I kidding? Venus in Virgo owns an Android. While they might be prone to dramatic gestures like neighboring Venus in Leo, they will show their affection by taking care of you and inspiring you to improve yourself. Sounds gross.
Ultimately, all that Venus in Virgo really wants is appreciation for everything they do for you - is tHaT TOo mUCh To aSK?! The best Valentine's Day gift for this placement isn't flowers or chocolate, it's just adding them to a shared Google calendar. Seeing that you've already set up a weekly recurring event for yoga class will prove that you actually listened when they were nagging about improving your mindfulness. Plus, this will provide a sanctioned space for them to micromanage your shared social calendar.
♎ Libra - Plan a Date They Can Instagram 🤳Balance is kind of Libra's whole thing, as represented by those scales Blind Justice is always schlepping around. It follows that in a relationship, Venus in Libra values communication, cooperation, and compromise. Ugh, we GET it already. On the other hand, Venus in Libra wants a relationship that looks good on the outside, and they're as as impressed by the trappings of Romance™ as I am by contact juggling.
To woo a Venus in Libra, take them on a date they can instagram. Start by treating them to an elaborately constructed, lightly caffeinated beverage, then stroll past a colorful mural, preferably of some to-scale angel wings. Bang out a few Tik Tok dances on your way to a corporate branded installation art exhibit masquerading as a museum, and end the night at one of those restaurants where they slice a slab of hot cheese onto your plate.
♏ Scorpio - Give Them the Password to Your Phone 🔑Venus in Scorpio is as intense as the iMessage Slam Effect and as mysterious as the Invisible Ink Effect. These spooky bois are secretive and sexual. If you're crushing on one, you're probably no stranger to the sensation of scarousal.
If you're sure dating a Venus in Scorpio is something you can handle, then take the plunge into that murky water sign pond and just give them the password to your phone already. Nothing says intimacy like letting your new boo read the texts you sent your ex 6 months before you even met! Giving in to Scorpio's control will strengthen your relationship (and just admit it, you're kinda into that anyway). That being said, if you do ever break up, you'll probably need to get a new number, if not move out of the country entirely.
♐ Sagittarius - Let Them Keep Tinder 🤷When in Venus, Sagittarius's penchant for wanderlust might turn into a different kind of wander lust. Haha, get it? << BARS >> But seriously, Sagittarius needs freedom and room to grow. If Venus in Sagittarius feels stifled or restricted, they will yeet themselves out of the relationship faster than you can pull up the original yeet Vine.
Tbch, it might be best to just let them keep Tinder. Knowing that they always can choose to be single might provide the comfort they need to stay in a relationship. Or it could backfire horribly! Why are you trusting my advice??
♑ Capricorn - Start a Shared Pinterest Board 📌Venus in Capricorn wants to build a life with their significant other. They're in it for a long time, not a good time. Practical, goal-oriented Capricorn manifests in Venus in a desire to build a future with a significant other. This might mean jointly curating a bookshelf, starting a super niche meme page together, or opening a co-owned Etsy store were you sell hand knitted sweaters for cats.
Rather than try to romance or seduce a Venus in Capricorn, approach the relationship from a practical angle. Take the first step towards building the shared empire they fantasize about and start a shared Pinterest board. Together you can build a mood board of classy housewares and complicated DIY projects that you'll spend the rest of your relationship slowly accumulating.
♒ Aquarius - Follow Their Finstas 👯Venus in Aquarius is nOt LiKe OtHeR gIrLs. They thrive in unconventional or experimental relationships. For example, they might never see themselves getting married, or they might marry their new boo in Vegas as a joke. Either way it's going to get weird.
To court Venus in Aquarius, you need to show them that you're wildly impressed by their uniqueness. In this digital age, that means following their finstas. Obviously, that means following the ig account they made for shit-posting front facing camera selfies, but it also means following their professional account, following the side project where they pontificate about KUWTK, following their cat's account, and following the account they made to document the cool looking trash they see on the street.
♓ Pisces - Like Some of Their Super Old Posts ⏳Ah, sweet gentle Pisces. These Sexy Fish are dreamy romantics. Since Venus in Pisces can be attracted to martyrdom, they might be drawn towards partners that require rescuing, like an artist making work at the intersection of art and technology or an aspiring tabletop game Twitch streamer. Unfortunately, these Scaly Seducers are also afraid of abandonment.
To put Venus in Pisces at ease, go back and like some of their super old posts. Double tapping their 2014 picture of a ham sandwich run through the Kelvin filter will prove to these Underwater Babes that you're in it it for the long haul. I bet they wish it was still socially acceptable to use borders anyway.
Well, what are you waiting for! Go forth with your newfound astrological acumen and get a date with the person of your dreams. Let me know how it goes!
And if all else fails, just get them something from our ASL Sale.
~*written by Pia Marchetti*~
*I do not guarantee