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May Horoscopes: What the Signs Buy at Ikea
Ah, Ikea. She lures you in with a promise of a more organized life where the only choice you have to make is between meatballs or salmon. Find out what iconic piece of laminated particle board furniture you are based on your sign.
Mon, May 25, 20
April Horoscopes : The Signs as Nostalgic Cell Phones

These days you have two cell phone options – an iPhone or an iPhone with worse emojis. While you can pick from a handful of colors and accessorize with a case, the contemporary smart phone doesn’t hold a candle to the personalization possibilities the ‘00s cellphone market offered. Like so much of the technology we’re feeling nostalgic for, our first cellphones were an opportunity to express ourselves. Getting a new phone was like going to school with a new haircut. Your cellphone was as much of an accessory as a handbag or a piece of jewelry. Was it all really...

Mon, Apr 13, 20
March Horoscopes: The Signs as Wingdings

  Quarantine would be the perfect excuse for the delay in March’s installment of Studio Occult. But, I’ve just been overwhelmed by regular, non-pandemic anxieties. Even while writing this very article I suffered a medium breakdown (maybe a 5 out of 10?) in my best friend’s kitchen. Tbh, the shift from Pisces to Aries really took it out of me. You’d think after 27 years I’d have grown accustomed to falling asleep crying in the shower on March 20th and waking up fighting a stranger on the 21st, but alas! Lord help anyone born on this cusp. I offer my...

Mon, Mar 16, 20
February Horoscope: How Slide Into the Signs' DMs

Use the Internet and Astrology to Ask Out Your Crush Do you hear it? Listen... off in the distance - it's the sound of a thousand smug couples kissing with tongue and a thousand bitter single people complaining about it. This ominous wet echo can only mean one thing: Valentine's Day is nigh.According to some Youths I follow on Twitter, the winter/fall Cuffing Season culminates in Championship Game played on Valentine's Day. When God and the Hallmark Corporation scheduled the holiday for February 14, is this what they had in mind? Because it certainly feels intentional.As the premier producer of...

Mon, Feb 03, 20
January Horoscopes: The Signs as Windows 95 Icons

 ✨ The Signs as Windows 95 Icons ✨ I know what you've been doing. You've been lying awake at night, puzzling over which Windows 95 Icon best represents your zodiac sign. How do I know this? Because, gentle reader, so have I.   We couldn't think of a more appropriate theme to kick off our new Studio Occult Horoscope series than the totally rad and ever ~aesthetic~ Windows 95 Icons. The first Monday of every month, we'll be providing you with the astrological content you want, nay, DESERVE.   Scroll with me through the stars, and let the gods of retro computing...

Mon, Jan 06, 20